Problem: Caps lock is not your friend.
Why is it so difficult to understand this one simple rule of etiquette? You also are not authorized to use text speak.
Solution: Look at the left side of your keyboard. Touch the caps lock button once. Now it’s off. Easy. See?
Figure it out already. In the ’80s, it was sorta cute that you couldn’t program VCRs. Thirty years later, now you’re just being willfully ignorant. And nobody thinks it’s cute anymore. Embrace the Brave New World, learn how to internet, be thine own tech support.
Solution: Each device you purchase comes with a magical little pamphlet called the instructions. Read it. Practice. Nothing is more difficult to operate than a hair dryer anymore. No pamphlet? Try going to http://www.google.com, then enter the device’s name followed by “user manual.” Still confused? Try google again, this time with device name and “help forums.” Crazy simple, huh? Toddlers everywhere are doing it.
Problem: Get out of the fricking doorway.
Honestly, what is it with you? Learn to walk through a doorway and not stop, blocking everyone behind you. You know there are people behind you, right? Same goes for driving: Look in the rearview mirror. Comprehend that there is an entire line of people behind you. You are blocking the road, both literally and figuratively.
Solution: When you approach a doorway, walk through it, then continue walking until you are clear of the doorway in a manner so that others can use it after you. Pretend to be conscious of the fact that there are people behind you.
Problem: Stop picking on the Millennials.
I am impressed with Millennials for the most part. They are such different, fascinating creatures. They are bright and smart, and ridiculously tech-savvy. Not all of them are spoiled, entitled brats who think everyone gets an award for showing up.
Solution: Consider that Gens X, Y, Z, the Millennials, and whatever they’re calling the next one, are not just here to serve you McNuggets and clean your pools (which we can’t afford–thanks for that, by the way). Here’s a few ideas: mentor them, give them a job, watch in awe as they get shit done and creatively problem solve. Retire so they can take your place in the workforce. Everyone wins.
Even the women: Do you not notice our glazed expressions, our patiently nodding heads, our overly indulgent, but distracted “uh-huhs”? You are boring us. You are not imparting wisdom of the ages. There’s a reason you got dubbed the “Me Generation,” and it isn’t flattering.
Solution: STFU* about what little Tommy’s auntie’s mommy said about your gout. STFU about what you think. No one gives a shit anymore. No, really. STFU.
Problem: The Tea Party.
Solution: You made it. You fix it.
* This stands for “Shut the fuck up.”